Champing at the Bit

June 10, 2020

I wrote these entries as I prepared to fly to Boise, Idaho to visit Colt for the first time since I had dropped him at Wilderness Jan 10, 2020 and right after arriving but before seeing him. Covid had made a visit impossible and I was giddy with anticipation.

Two weeks from today I will be with Colt.  I can barely believe it.  If I dwell too long on the thoughts I break up in tears.  It’s been 149 days since I have seen him.  That is not even a real number to me, it’s so absurd.

I spoke with him today, his voice was scratchy with his allergies and his nose was running.  That maternal instinct to take care of him was kicking in hard but he assured me he was fine.  I am so excited to just chill with my guy.  Movies, reading, hanging.  A haircut for him for sure, he looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo right now.  He is doing so well in school.  He is having some social difficulties with his friends this week, but is getting the support and coaching that he needs in these moments.  I reflected on that after I spoke to him today.  How last fall that would have sent me into a parenting tail spin.  I would want to go medieval on whichever kids were being unkind to him, but also knew of course he needed to work through those challenges on his own, like a 7th grader does.  But he couldn’t.  And he just resigned himself to having no friends.  So while I miss him with every cell of my being, I can say with certainty he is where he needs to be with people who are honestly better at coaching him on this stuff than I am.  People who understand and love him, and know how to gently guide him through the social pragmatics that are so hard earned for my guy.

I feel truly grateful that I am able to be a mother to a son who is getting his needs met as well as is humanely possible.  It takes some humility to admit that you are out of your depth, and to see that your child isn’t thriving and not make excuses or blame external stressors. The best thing I can do for Colt is to help him develop the skill set and the boundaries he will need to live a happy life full of rich relationships.  He’s on his way.

JUNE 24, 2020

You know when you have butterflies in your stomach and you can’t sit still and you can’t sleep or figure out how to pass the time before the thing that’s got you all worked up happens?  That’s me right now.

I see Colt in less than two hours. It’s been 163 days without him.  I haven’t been able to even think about this moment for so long now.  I’ve been holding on to these feelings forever it seems.  Like not seeing my baby has become some innate part of me, folded into some deep recess so it makes sense even though it’s the most unnatural thing in the world. 

I have fussed and shopped and paced and worked out and not slept much since I got to Idaho yesterday.  I am buzzing with anticipation.  I am heartsick. 

Now begins the unthinkable luxury of four days with my firstborn son.  I will post.  I will story.  I will soak up every second of this hard earned prize. 

We’re not at the finish line yet but god it feels like a victory.

my gorgeous boy

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