Even Keel

Never before have I recognized the beauty of the term.  Things are good.  Quiet even.  A cough here and a sneeze there, but we’re good.  There is a rhythm to our lives that is almost (gasp) manageable.  We seem to have adjusted to this life with three boys, and I can say that in my estimation they are happy.  I am eager to have things stay this way for as long as I can.

A futile aspiration perhaps, as life in general is mercurial.  Life with kids is rarely static, nor should it be.  But I find myself seeking out stability in any and all ways possible.  To this end, we have chosen to keep Colton at his current school another year, rather than make the switch we had originally anticipated.  It is the first time in my recollection that I am making a decision based as much or more on my own needs than those of my children.  Its been a hard thing to admit.  It took me a long time to arrive at this conclusion and understanding of it all.

The last two years have taken a lot out of me.

I feel good.  I am taking care of myself, exercising and eating well, trying to sleep as much as one can with kids these ages.  But there are aftershocks.  I need a little more time where things are known, and where I know my kids are safely tucked away in places familiar to me. So this is our decision.  I am trying to own it.  I think I do.  I know he will thrive at either school.  I know it will be ok.  Right?

Bath time for Oscar

Oscar is a tank.  A tank who dislikes mealtime (IS he a Jones???) but a tank nonetheless.  He tips the scales at nearly 16 lbs now, and sleeps far better than his next oldest brother (my constant bedmate.)  He ‘scootched’ from one end of his play mat to the other yesterday.  He grabs everything he can and laughs a lot.  He is great.

Lucca raced in to my room this morning at 5:56 am with a spiderman costume in hand.  “Mom, can you help me put this on?”  I was annoyed to put it lightly.  I helped him gently into it.  “Mom, you are on MY team OK?  We are the GOOD GUYS!”  Its impossible to be mad at Lucca.  Literally impossible.  He juts his lower lip out two inches and his eyes well up if he thinks that might be the case.  “You just broke my heart mommy!”  and then its over.  Totally impossible.

Lucca helps Emma feed Oscar
Lucca helps Emma feed Oscar

Colton got his orange belt last week.  To say I was proud is an understatement.  He is such a good kid, such a solid, kind boy that I can hardly believe he is mine.  It is a privilege to be his mom.  That is why I wish I could embrace the spirit of change and challenge. It is something I am working hard on in my own life, but when it comes to my children, I am mired.  Nervous.  Deeply fearful in a way I can’t understand.  So I have decided to chalk it up to the losses and drama of these last months and years.  I am on the mend, but I am not the same.  I need time to integrate it all I guess.  We’ll get there.  And in the meantime, my boys will be together another year and all will be quiet on the new canaan front.  At least I hope so.

As Colton would say “May there always be sunshine, Mom.”

Colton's book project at school "May There Always Be Sunshine"
Colton’s book project at school “May There Always Be Sunshine”
"May there always be sunshine"
“May there always be sunshine”
"May there always be blue skies"
“May there always be blue skies”
Colton with Oscar, Mommy, Lucca, and Daddy-by Colton
Colton with Oscar, Mommy, Lucca, and Daddy
-by Colton
Self Portrait
Self Portrait

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