Just packed the kids in the car.  My dad drives them to school on Mondays, which is so nice for them.  But I had the hardest time closing the door today.  I realize there is no way to ensure their safety beyond the measures we already take.  That is almost the worst part.  There are many to blame but really no one.  No one that would bring any comfort for the staggering loss of so many innocent lives.

I can barely bring myself to read the paper.  I heard last night that one boy, as he was being escorted out of school by police, said “let me lead the way, I know karate.”

It broke my heart (again.)  Because that really made it my child.  One hundred times out of one hundred that is what Colton would say.  And he would probably have rushed toward the bad guy because, thank god, at his tender age he believes himself invincible.  He thinks that good prevails over evil every time, just like in the Avengers.

But that isn’t true.

And I don’t know how to reconcile and move forward.  Like so many parents I am mired in the devastation of it.  I can’t comprehend or stop the tears from welling up in my eyes.  I am so sad and everything is so fragile.  Parchment thin.  Slipping through my fingers.

We did bake on Friday.  It was lovely to roll out the dough and talk about my mom.  For the first time in many years I thought how fortunate we were to have her live 53 years.  It always seems so brief a life.  But not today.



  1. Hi Amy, I made my cookie dough the other day too. It is a bit bittersweet for me as well. My Dad passed away Nov 26, 2011 and he loved Christmas too. I still have my Mom but she is having a tough time this holiday season, last year she was a numb…it was all so new to her, being w/o Dad. I think the holiday cookies (esp. gingerbread aka known as “lebkuchen” in German) are such an important family ritual to us of northern European descent! Just the smell of the spices made me emotional this year. I also was feeling a bit melancholy thinking of baking with my boys when they were Colton and Lucca’s ages. Now they are all grown, and my dear granddaughter Kenley lives in Seattle, the 4 grandsons: Jimmy, Dakota, Hunter and Jericho live in South Dakota so Grandma Karin was baking alone this year. I was thinking that we have never spent the Christmas season with them. I shouldn’t go to sad places in my head this time of year but sometimes I guess we all do. I very much miss having a house full of children at Christmas but am blessed that all of you Mom’s share your little ones with me 5 days a week! Frohe Weihnachten! XOXO Karin

    Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2012 13:51:23 +0000 To:

  2. Karin, I am glad you share this tradition with us. I finally found a way to look forward to some aspect of the day and its a good thing. I also look forward to sharing Oscar with his Tot’s Spot family in a couple of years. We miss being part of it and it will be such a fine day when he is ready to come 🙂

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