Just packed the kids in the car. My dad drives them to school on Mondays, which is so nice for them. But I had the hardest time closing the door today. I realize there is no way to ensure their safety beyond the measures we already take. That is almost the worst part. There are many to blame but really no one. No one that would bring any comfort for the staggering loss of so many innocent lives.
I can barely bring myself to read the paper. I heard last night that one boy, as he was being escorted out of school by police, said “let me lead the way, I know karate.”
It broke my heart (again.) Because that really made it my child. One hundred times out of one hundred that is what Colton would say. And he would probably have rushed toward the bad guy because, thank god, at his tender age he believes himself invincible. He thinks that good prevails over evil every time, just like in the Avengers.
But that isn’t true.
And I don’t know how to reconcile and move forward. Like so many parents I am mired in the devastation of it. I can’t comprehend or stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. I am so sad and everything is so fragile. Parchment thin. Slipping through my fingers.
We did bake on Friday. It was lovely to roll out the dough and talk about my mom. For the first time in many years I thought how fortunate we were to have her live 53 years. It always seems so brief a life. But not today.