Dream Sequence

That is what my pregnancy with Oscar seems like now.  All of it.  From getting pregnant, to being pregnant, to the hospital drama and even the NICU.  I wanted to be so present for my last pregnancy.  Squeeze every minute out of it and enjoy my altered state for the last time.  So strange how while it was happening each minute seemed like hours and now I have to remind myself it happened at all.  It really happened.  Maybe its some brand of post traumatic stress coping mechanism.  I wanted it to be so real and now it is surreal.

I weaned Oscar this week.  Its done and over with.  We have enough milk banked for the rest of the week but from then on we are separate entities in a way we have not yet been.  It is the final cutting of the proverbial cord to me.  That is good and bad.  I’m almost scared to get back to me.  This chapter of my life is now behind me and despite all the drama I will miss it dearly.  I felt such purpose, physical purpose.  Like I was needed to do something with my body that only I could do.  Contribute in a way only I could to the family.  My role will change, be more dynamic and active. No longer Horton sitting on the egg all day.  Again, good things.  But change is scary of course.

Lucca fed Oscar for the first time yesterday.  I love this photo.  “He’s GROWING??!”  Lucca asked as he held on gingerly to the bottle.  So sweet.  I love these moments with my boys.  I am so proud to have given them each other.

Oscar is nearly 10 lbs now.  I can’t believe I am writing those words.  Most of it is in his cheeks (decidedly NOT in his legs, see second photo).  He is round.  He has a cute little tushy now.  I recall not so long ago his tushy was about the width of two fingers.  I was paralyzed with fear then.  Now I grab him and we go.  Maybe only downstairs, since he still can’t leave the house for many months to come.  But we go.