Visceral Reactions

When we had Colton, Matt and I suffered pretty severe shell shock over how hard everything was all of a sudden.  Maybe not hard, but intense and different.  Getting him to sleep was a real challenge, and figuring out how to best feed him and change him seemed pretty advanced stuff to us.  It was.  We had no experience.  Neither of us had ever changed a diaper before Colton’s.  The learning curve was steep.

Once Lucca came along, we thought it would be easy street.  But of course, he was a totally different child with his own set of challenges and idiosyncrasies.  He took even longer to sleep through the night than his brother, and his reflux was epic.

Then of course with Oscar everything is a little different.  We are getting to a more normal spot but I am still humbled each day by how careful I need to be with everything regarding him.  I am no preemie expert.  I am cutting my teeth but I am realistic about how much there is to learn and how this too is a new person with his own needs and preferences.

I think as a parent you don’t necessarily get better at the job, you just know how to set your expectations more appropriately.  You know you aren’t going to sleep, you know the baby is going to cry, you know the pumping sucks.  Then sometime comes along and puts the fear of god into you.  Rocks you to your core and reminds you that the challenges ahead are going to make these current ones look like a joke.

Colton is getting bullied at school.

Really bullied, like horrendous awful bullying the likes of which I never knew through all my years in school.  He’s 5.  FIVE.

I feel so sick to my stomach writing the words.  My only job is to keep these boys safe.  Make sure they are able to grow and develop in an environment in which they don’t worry about their wellbeing.  They just wonder which letter comes next or what game will we play tomorrow.  But my oldest, my sensitive, glorious Colton is being tormented to a point where I will not have him attend school again until it is addressed satisfactorily.  I will not describe what has been happening because its too sad to me.  Suffice it to say it is a scenario so offensive that I know he’s telling the truth since no five year old in his right mind could dream something like this up.  It bring tears to my eyes.

Almost the worst part is that I don’t know how long its been going on.  It happened to a lesser extent when he was three and I thought that we had dealt with it then.  But it is the same group of boys, and Colton has exhibited behavior in the interim that suggests that maybe it wasn’t dealt with.  And that makes me feel like the worst mother ever.  Not that my guilt matters right now, it doesn’t.  What matters is making sure this never, ever happens again and praying to god that my son isn’t so disturbed by this that he has lasting psychological issues as a result.  Saddest by far is that fact that when he told me it was almost matter of fact.  Like the bullying was part of his day.

“I love school mom, except for when the bullies hurt me.  They hurt me really bad.  So bad.”

I cannot believe this is happening.


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