Last night I had this moment of feeling like I wasn’t doing right by any of my children.  Lucca is struggling lately.  I think his feelings about not being the baby anymore are manifesting themselves in intense separation anxiety.  I can’t even leave his side without major tears and tantrums.  Forget about when I leave the room.  Its madness.  I have to feed Oscar and it is nearly impossible to do that with Lucca in my lap.  Thank god for Colton, who is so easy and mild.  He is a dream.  I feel Lucca’s pain and I just want to make it better but nothing seems to work.  I can’t even take him out for special time each day since I am home with Oscar.  I know soon enough this will be a distant memory and all will be adjusted and well but right now its crazy.  Beyond the tears, Lucca is showing anger towards Colton all the time.  He broke Colton’s ‘pinch pot’ which took him three days to make at school.  He molded the clay and used his fingers to piece together a little pot, then painted it carefully showing me how the gray he chose for the background made all the other colors ‘pop.’  He was so proud.  He handed it to Lucca to put on my desk for safe keeping last night.  Well, Lucca just threw it on the ground and it broke.  I will fix it.  I will fix all of this.  Well, me and father time.  Enough days under our belt as a brood of five will remedy these growing pains.  But I wish I had been there to protect Colton’s little pot.  And to hug Lucca when he felt left out or like he didn’t know his place anymore.  And I wish I could nurse Oscar without issue and not fret over the impending introduction of formula for an already gassy baby.

Today will be better, right?  Today at least one of them will feel fulfilled and replete with loving attention.

Leave a Reply