So right about now I would have been snuggling with my bouncing baby boy and settling into my four day hospital stint.  Ha.  But I am snuggling my bouncing baby boy.  Its just he’s 9 weeks old instead of mere hours.  Outgrowing his preemie diapers instead of still warm learning to latch on and nurse.

Today was supposed to be my C-section.  39 weeks on the nose.  As I have said I had this thing about an October baby.  Late October that is, to be specific.  This is the time of year I come alive.  I feel my best when there is a bite in the air, and I can feel my lungs stretch to capacity on a morning run.  I am a viking after all.  So I find myself wistfully admiring the trees and thinking “on the day Oscar was supposed to be born it would have been grey and colder than expected.  The trees would have been about a week past their prime but still beautiful.”

Oscar was ten and a half weeks before his prime, but still beautiful.

Its fine.  The journey isn’t the most important part in this instance.  Its the pot of gold.  The little cheeks that get rounder each day.  The incredible bravery of a tiny five-pound baby.  In some ways it feels like I didn’t have a baby.  I didn’t have him, in the traditional sense.  And for so long he was at arm’s length.  I didn’t have him.  Until he came home.  Even now, with the help of Vannette, our wonderful, kind baby nurse, I am still sharing Oscar.  I still need to, he’s still so little and delicate that my maternal conscience requires that someone’s eyes be on him at all times.  Life is so crazy with the big boys that I am still scared I will miss an episode of apnea and Oscar will turn blue.  Again.

But the truth is he’s so strong.  He’s really coming along and I am starting to realize that all things considered we are lucky.  I am that much closer to the stage where I can really enjoy Oscar.  Let go of the choking fear that he will succumb to his fragility or that something horrible will befall him and us.  Again.

Oscar is a joy.  He loves to lay on his side, he just gets all loose and relaxed when you put him in that position.  He’s a very mellow baby and for that I am truly grateful.  You couldn’t really say that about Colt or Lucca, as wonderful as they were.  I think that was due to their undiagnosed reflux.  It took us so long to figure it out.  With Oscar, we know just about everything that makes him tick, so things are pretty smooth.

Birthdays.  Maybe Oscar and I will have a mini celebration each year on his expected birthday.  Lord knows there is enough to celebrate with him that we could have a party every day and not express enough how lucky we are.

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