That’s how I feel today. Like the king punished by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever.
I had a super frustrating morning with the boys, culminating in my yelling at Colton to GET IN THE CAR!!! in a tone I have never heard come out of my mouth before. He almost cried. I felt like the worst mom ever, and both my big boys looked at me like they didn’t know who I was.
I took Oscar for his 2 month visit today. He only gained 4 ounces. In the right direction but not as much as we hoped. We will need to do more expressed milk in bottles since I am too anxious about his calorie intake to just ride out the exclusive nursing angle. It will be fine, and he’s healthy. He’s 19 inches now and his head grew the most of all, to 36cm around. He got 4 shots and the rotovirus oral vaccines so he’s really sleepy today.
Worst of all, Oscar needs surgery. General anesthesia, cut him open, back to the hospital surgery.
When I gave Oscar his bath yesterday I noticed a lump on his left groin area. I honestly thought it might be his testicle not descended properly, but I knew that they had checked that in the NICU and all was well. I also knew I was headed in to the Dr today so I brought it up with him. Oscar has an inguinal hernia. It is fairly common for preemies, and the surgery itself is very straight forward. But of course I started to lose it as soon as I got home and called Matt. I am just sick to death of poor Oscar having to go through medical drama. I just don’t want him to go to the hospital anymore. No more needles, no more blood tests, no more holding his feeds. I’ve had enough. Oscar has surely had enough. I just want to swaddle him up in our coziest blanket and nurse him for the rest of time. But that isn’t how its going to be. At least not yet.
Sweet Amy. I am so sorry about your news. The absolute upheaval of emotions to even think your sweet b0y has to go through anything more is horrid. I cannot even imagine,not even. This is ONE area of preemie trauma I did not ever deal with, and I have less experience with how to handle the emotions of re-entry into the hospital. But, I can tell you, I have heard this scenario , over and over again. The hernia surgery is one of the most common and he will sail through it. But, it makes it no less of an emotional upheaval and anxiety provoking situation for you. I must tell you, I did need medication to keep myself calm very often AFTER i left the NICU, because I had other issues that freaked me out…so do not hesitate! It is a long road, and the sadness and fears tend to eat away at you and make you not as calm for other kids. Give yourself a hug, it is okay to not be in control every minute now, because things are still out of control. Even young children will understand your “stress’ and need to learn tolerance of when Mom is scared and having a bad day. It is okay to tell your littles that you are worried about Oscar and it makes you sad and not so nice sometimes. They are siblings now, and tolerance is necessary, they have fragile brother right now and they need to treat him that way. Someday, they will beat him up and punch him and tease him…but not know…now everyone needs to take deep breaths and remember…you are on the upward cycle of all this…just a sharp curve now, but still on the upward cycle of the hills and valleys…
Hang in there, and be sure to let the NICU know so they can recommend the best surgeon for him. I am thinking of you..and remember, it is impossible for you to be the perfect Mom right now, and let your emotions be what they will be…it is okay…Kiss that sweet Oscar for me.
xxoo Leelee