Rice and Milk

Today was scary. I got up really early after a long night with Lucca up coughing and crying. Went to the 8am care bc I wasn’t going to be able to go midday as usual. I pumped driving to the hospital. The big boys needed me later on and I was determined to be there for them.
Things were normal for the beginning of the visit, and I settled in and held Oscar as I usually do. Same everything. But no matter what little positional change I made, he wasn’t comfortable. He kept desatting into the 80s and the alarms went off a lot. I tried different holds. I tried gently rubbing his back. I sang to him, begged him to take a deep breath. Nothing was really making a difference. Finally I held him out in front of me and covered him with a blanket to keep him warm. He fits into one hand, and I started to relax a bit as it was finally quiet.
Then the familiar beep beep beep BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEP went off. The loud ones mean its getting worse. I looked up at the monitor and saw he was in the 70s and heading down. 74, 72, 69, 64. The nurse came running. He kept dropping. She flicked on the light and immediately I saw that Oscar was blue. The nurse took him quickly up and put him in his isolette. She was stimulating him and then turned his oxygen up in a rush to 24%. Very quickly, he started climbing back up into the 80s. Then the mid 90s. He was pink and beautiful again. All was well in the world once more. All except me.
I was terrified.
I sat and waited a good long while until I was confident he was sleeping and breathing normally. I asked to speak to the dr. She was unavailable due to an emergency but they promised me she would call at 11. The nurse turned his oxygen back down to 22%. She assured me he was fine. I left, shaking.
After about 10 calls to the NICU I was able to get Dr Banerjee on the phone. She had been trying me all morning but for whatever reason my phone didn’t work or ring or pick up or what have you. Poor timing to say the least. She was unfazed. She felt that that spell was another indication of Oscar’s reflux issues. She began him on a teaspoon of rice cereal in his feeds. It takes about 2-5 feeds to see a difference if there is going to be one. If this doesn’t work they will move on to Prevacid, which both of the big boys were on for their own battles with reflux. One way or another we will figure out what works for O. I just hope that never happens again.
Tomorrow I will try to nurse him. Today I will try to regain my composure.