Posted Oct 1, 2012 8:24pm

My meditation today is on re-inhabiting my body. I feel like I have been many things in the past 18 months but almost none of them have entailed a mind-body connection. Incubator, shell of my former self, incubator, bereft again, incubator one last time, scared of my body’s capacity to mess things up, conduit, vessel, failure, success, milk machine. I have not had a happy relationship with my body in a long time. I felt betrayed by it when I lost Axel, again when I lost our only girl who I miscarried at 11 weeks in January, and just plain scared of my own inner workings throughout my pregnancy with Oscar.

To not really be able to move for the 20 weeks I was pregnant last year, and the nearly 30 this year, well, that’s a tough proposition for someone who actually enjoys exercise. My life before kids was a constant physical experiment in one way or another. Veganism for six months, extreme body building for a year, jumping horses over large obstacles for most of my life. I was always very focused on my body and its capacity to change in one direction or another.

By far the greatest thing my body has ever accomplished is the creation of my kids. But it’s been a tough road, and not one that has left me with much physical strength or confidence. I sincerely miss that feeling of connection with my physical being. I need desperately to get out of my head and into the gym. Not for vanity’s sake (well, not only) but for my well being. My current state of atrophy is depressing frankly.

Tomorrow Oscar is 6 weeks old. That means I have my follow up with my doctor where I get the green light to exercise. It’s full steam ahead.

Oscar is fantastic. He ate like a champ today after having Karen, an expert baby nurse, come and help show us how to feed Oscar his bottles.  He nursed without the shield today for the first time, and I gave him his first bath at home. Washed all the NICU off of him. No trace of adhesive in sight. Extra fluffy hair. The sweet smell of a loving home and brothers. I cut both his and my hospital bands off. The size of his ankle band is not to be believed. Mine had lost all of its writing but I told myself I would not cut it off until he came home. We are both free to move onto happier times and stronger bodies.

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