Yia yia held Oscar today. And it was lovely to behold.
I am tired. Deeply. I want to say upbeat things but that’s not always how it feels right now. Not with regard to Oscar, who is doing great. I feel like he is so good at his job, of growing and working hard to breathe and learn how to exist in a world he was nowhere near ready to meet. I wish I had his work ethic. I do get down. I do think its so unfair that he has this job, and that he isn’t still safe inside me where he belongs. I wasn’t ready to be done with pregnancy. As hard as it has been for me I still love it and knew it was my last time at the hoedown so I was looking forward to the final stages of nesting and resting and imagining. None of that matters more than my sweet little french fry and at the end of it all I don’t care when or how he got here I am just so happy he’s here. But I wasn’t ready, and he wasn’t ready.
Oscar gained 38 grams last night. That’s more than 4x what he has the last three nights. So the fortifier is working. Yippee! I brought his wardrobe today and Yia yia chose a simple white onesie for his first real outfit. He looked beautiful. He is beautiful. He opened his eyes a lot today and when the nurse changed his clothes we got to see him sans adornments and he has a full head of black curls already. So cute. He stayed on the nasal cannula at room air today while Gail held him. That is fantastic and bodes well for the future. We are gaining traction here.
These are all good things. There are less good things right now. Like the woman wheeling her 6 week old strapping baby boy into my OB’s waiting office yesterday. He was gorgeous and I felt happy for her. But I can’t tell you how empty it feels to not have your baby with you in that moment. To no longer be the woman with the big belly, but not yet be the one proudly showing off her son to all the nurses who saw you through each hard-earned week of your high risk pregnancy. I wanted to say “My son is here too! His name is Oscar and he is amazing already! Let me tell you about every little thing he does, and how incredibly strong he is!” Because I am just a proud mother of a newborn. Like any proud new mom. I will show him off soon, I know. There are just some days when the fatigue added to the frustration of this situation get to me.
I love your comments. I read and reread them, especially in the early morning hours when I wake up to pump for Oscar. They hearten me and cheer me on. Thank you so so much for that. It is my medicine right now. That and Oscar’s leopard print lovely that I take home every three days to ‘reseason’ by sleeping with it. We have two so he’s not without. Its supposed to smell like me and help us bond. But I can’t imagine that he enjoys it more than I do. My one night of Oscar’s scent in my bed is my sweetest thing right now. Soon it will be the real thing. And I can’t wait to tell you about it.
xx
