Posted Oct 9, 2012 3:20pm
I have been pondering what to do with this page. It has been such a positive exercise for me to have a commitment each day to write. For posterity, for catharsis. Just write. I used to do it all the time, being a lit major in school. But to share my innermost thoughts during a time of crisis and lay myself bare has been nothing like I would have imagined. As I have said before, the feedback and comments from you, my loved ones, is a lot of what gets me through. I was going to say got me through, but that would hardly be accurate. Little Oscar is seven weeks old today. But he is still minus three weeks and change. Still meant to be swimming around in my huge belly while I rolled in and out of bed putting the finishing touches on him. Adding a dimple here and a fat roll there. As it is we are not even at my due date yet. I think I still need this.
I sit here on my bed listening to Oscar make his strange coughing noises as he sleeps like all newborns do. I worry that I am getting cocky, thinking he is totally out of the woods. He just seems so healthy and well. The rate at which all that happened is what makes me question it. Just two weeks ago he had a transfusion. And now I think of him as my teeny weeny but perfectly fine baby. It must be a deeper sense I have of his well being. I just know he’s ok.
I worry naturally because I have a tendency to be cocky. I should never have left the hospital as I did. It was so hard not to focus on Colton and Lucca and all that was happening without me at home. So difficult to watch everyone struggle without me. Both wonderful and heartbreaking to feel so needed. I think about how I would have been on bedrest for 6 more weeks in the hospital, and what state my family would have been in by the end of that time. It would have been hard on us, but we are all stronger than Oscar. As it turned out, he bore the brunt of it. Our littlest one. The most fragile. And he is one bad ass little boy because of it.
Our weigh-in is friday. Its like reverse weight watchers. I think he gained, I think he gained, I think he gained. I repeat it to myself as we drive over to the pediatrician’s office. I have a good feeling but I will chant nonetheless.
So where to post my updates from now on? I think of carepages as a terrific medium for people/families going through a medical crisis. It certainly was that for us. But my Oscar is not sick. He is so very strong, and I find myself wanting to chronicle life with this most extraordinary baby.
What do you think? I always thought ‘blogging’ was at least in part an exercise in narcissism, and this may very well be heading in that direction. If that is the case, tell me! I will take to pen and paper and keep a journal as I used to do in high school. Or if these updates are still intriguing in anyway, tell me that too and I will find some easier platform for them.
The coughs are becoming complaints. Time to feed the monster 🙂