31 Weeks

Today I would have been 31 weeks pregnant. Settling into the major complaining of the third trimester and planning the nursery. The normal stuff.
I got to hold Oscar today. And I realized that it really is the barometer of how I feel about things. Its like the days are broken into these microcosms. Good morning for Oscar= things are great! Get to the hospital and his desats mean I can’t hold him= I drive home in tears. Each day is rollercoaster and the intensity of the NICU experience on top of normal hormonal fluctuations leaves me feeling like a maniac most of the time. But one thing is clear. Oscar is doing well. And that, plus the big boys having fun and being near me, is all that matters right now.
Lucca had his first visit to preschool today, and I was so grateful to be there. Matt came too and it was prize ‘special time’ with our middle boy. He took it all in and made his mark quickly. He is such a joy, that kid. I drink him up right now like medicine. It is nearly impossible to remain bummed out when Lucca is around. Its a true gift. Sunan graciously took Colton to his ‘visiting hour’ for Kindergarten while I was with Oscar and of course he greeted every single person there by name (as is his habit), she told me. He really earns his nickname of “The Mayor.” His first day of preschool there he bounded out of the car, walked past the director, and said “Hi Maureen, I really like your hair today.” I know he will thrive this year, and I can’t wait to see it unfold.
I also sat there watching Lucca and knowing that it wasn’t the last ‘first visit’ for us. That we have another little man waiting to experience everything school is to a 3 year old. And I can’t wait to pick his backpack out, and show him where his hook is, just like we have for his brothers.
Oscar is doing well.
He is up to 12cc’s a feed now and the PIC line is set to come out tomorrow. That means one less tube. Quality of life is measured by tubes right now, and one less is huge. He will only get breastmilk as of then. A big milestone indeed. He is back up to 3.5 lbs. He slept soundly on my chest today for 90 minutes or so, and I fought the urge to fall asleep the whole time. I think I might just give in and nap while I am there. He is my chamomile tea with honey, my warm milk, and I think I should stop fighting it. I dream of naps at home with him, with no tubes anywhere and the little noises that newborns make but no alarms at all. Just us.
xx